letting go.

2018:
the year my son’s adoption became legal and 

I began to see my life as ”mum-mum”

beyond one-day-at-a-time, 

which has changed how 

I see 

most everything - 

dear God, thank you;

2018: 

the year I began to run again 

more 

slowly 

than in years past 

with said son and surly dog,

away from inauthenticity,

toward the emotion I’d feared to feel

until now,

into the arms of people who’ve held me -

dear God, thank you;


2018:
the year I sat still,

almost daily with few exceptions,

even on shaky ground -on the floor 

before this altar in my bedroom’s morning light

calling on It to work through me,

in my office during my son’s nap,

savoring a ritual cup of coffee,

in the rooms of recovery…waiting rooms, doctor’s offices, hospitals…

holding the hand of my wife,

breathing - 

dear God, thank you; 


2018:
the year I learned to hang onto the people 

who want the best for me 

without transaction or return,

to hang on to my dreams for a better world,

to hang on to faith in my skills and a Power greater than my own - 

dear God,thank you;


2018:
the year we brought little Lou home and 

held him and 

held him and 

so many of us held him -

trying not to know what we knew:

we would need to let go of him,

to let go of the wish for a different past

to let go of the belief that we know what’s best 

for the future that isn’t promised,

to let go of the trauma that’s kept us

stuck in a cycle of anxiety 

followed by depression 

followed by anxiety 

followed by depression

for generations, 

to let go 

over and over

again -

dear God,thank you; 

I love you.

I’m listening..

here I am…

letting go.

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