letting go.

2018:
the year my son’s adoption became legal and 

I began to see my life as ”mum-mum”

beyond one-day-at-a-time, 

which has changed how 

I see 

most everything - 

dear God, thank you;

2018: 

the year I began to run again 

more 

slowly 

than in years past 

with said son and surly dog,

away from inauthenticity,

toward the emotion I’d feared to feel

until now,

into the arms of people who’ve held me -

dear God, thank you;


2018:
the year I sat still,

almost daily with few exceptions,

even on shaky ground -on the floor 

before this altar in my bedroom’s morning light

calling on It to work through me,

in my office during my son’s nap,

savoring a ritual cup of coffee,

in the rooms of recovery…waiting rooms, doctor’s offices, hospitals…

holding the hand of my wife,

breathing - 

dear God, thank you; 


2018:
the year I learned to hang onto the people 

who want the best for me 

without transaction or return,

to hang on to my dreams for a better world,

to hang on to faith in my skills and a Power greater than my own - 

dear God,thank you;


2018:
the year we brought little Lou home and 

held him and 

held him and 

so many of us held him -

trying not to know what we knew:

we would need to let go of him,

to let go of the wish for a different past

to let go of the belief that we know what’s best 

for the future that isn’t promised,

to let go of the trauma that’s kept us

stuck in a cycle of anxiety 

followed by depression 

followed by anxiety 

followed by depression

for generations, 

to let go 

over and over

again -

dear God,thank you; 

I love you.

I’m listening..

here I am…

letting go.


a weekend in cuidad de Mexico: travel photography

We had just 2 nights available to travel for our anniversary and settled on Mexico City because of its close proximity to DFW and because neither of us had ever been. Standing in the parking garage at Terminal D at 5 in the morning, I decided I didn’t want to carry heavy equipment. I didn’t want to travel without a car seat and 25 lb. baby only to be weighed down by  a heavy camera. I’m in the the thick of family photography and event photography during this season, and my favorite travel camera is being repaired. I didn’t want to chance that a camera I rely upon for my work would be damaged or stolen. Not to mention, my back hurts. Photography is actually hard work. So, I left the camera bag in the trunk and brought a tiny Nikon FX 35mm film camera with a cracked viewfinder and broken lightmeter. It is the epitome of impracticality except that with a 50mm lens, it is so lightweight. So, all of these photos were a roll of the dice. I’ve been staring into the sun daily for about 10 years now, so I kinda know what shutter speed and aperture to use. And the forgiving nature of film makes up for the skill I lack.  I really didn’t know what to expect from the trip, but the city  exceeded my expectations. I wish I’d photographed the food, but that camera just wasn’t up for the task. Instead I ate mindfully - mostly and, occasionally, too much because it was so good and food is pleasure. I read Anne Lamott’s book while I was there and she says, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Truth. 


a new chapter

at any given time, we find ourselves in a state of creation, maintenance, or destruction. right now, it appears a chapter of my life is dissolving, which is as always, bittersweet - bitter because I’m-not-ready-and-I-don’t-wanna-don’t-make-me; sweet because wow, what a chapter it’s been! I’m praying and meditating on what’s next. I won’t lie, and it’ll come as no surprise: creation is my f a v o r i t e. yes! meanwhile, I’m trying to remain mindful to what is. my boy just turned a year. whoever said the days are long and the years are short - Mae West? - was right on. 

rarely does a day go by when I don’t take photographs. I know, I know: everyone takes photographs now because we all have smartphones. as much as my screentime app horrifies me (where does the time go), I’m not so romanced by the sound of the iphone shutter. it’ll work in a pinch, but I have more cameras than I care to admit here publicly. one of my friend’s daughters has a bushel of stuffed animals, and each night she chooses a couple to snuggle…so nobody’s left out and everyone feels loved. I feel that way about my cameras. I like to touch at least one each day. 

it’s taken me ten years to create a body of photographic work of which I’m proud. I’m not even sure proud is the right word; grateful seems more True. I’m grateful for the clients who’ve become friends who encourage and support me through each season. I’m grateful that after all this time, I get the opportunity to make a living creating art. I’m grateful for the slow and steady, patient and sometimes painstaking progress. I still get nervous before I shoot, although experience means I’m no longer afraid. I’m nervous because I know you’re offering me life’s most precious gift: time. your precious time. and, I want to make sure it’s worth it to you - that when you walk away, you’re better than when you came. if it’s true for you, it’ll be true for me, too, because the creation process is reciprocal like that. 

thanks for being here, for taking the time to read this. “right now it’s like this” is one of my favorite mantras for when life hurts. it implies that everything changes. the good news and the bad news? nothing lasts forever. here’s to what’s ahead: for me, for you, for all of us because we’re different, yet we’re the same. 

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